Zemblan Grammar

So far, this week has been one magical moment after the next, most of which have involved grading.  I know, you are all incredibly jealous of the fact that every couple of weeks I have to read, analyze, grade, and comment on hundreds of student essays that demonstrate only the most minimal understanding of English language or literature.  I know I shouldn’t boast, but, hey, sometimes I just can’t help myself.

It’s a good thing, though, to know that my students are all Regulars, not those pesky Élites we all love to hate.  (And for a hilarious/terrifying look at the gap between the Regulars and the Élites, please to see this piece by George Saunders in The New Yorker.)

Here’s an example of just how Regular they are:

In the enlightenment era there were many of fascinating writings all with many different meanings.  When thinking about enlightenment and readins of that nature we tend to think of letters and poems during the 18th century and dates prior to the French revolution.  This era by some is even known as the Age of Reason.  One writing that I am going to focus on and translate in depth to what is really being said is a piece by the famous writer [redacted] titles [redacted].  This poem goes to show a controversial way of stating that beauty is above all.

This story which was written by the inspiration of an actual event carries many messages and a lot of humor in it. [Redacted] takes a look at the situations that are raised by the takings of a lock of hair from a young woman.  The passionate theft of this young woman caused a small feud between the two families that were of the passionate man and the family of the young woman.  The lock that was clipped from the young woman’s head who is named Belinda is now sought after by the families in feud.  This poem then goes on with an abundance of drama and persistence of the passion of love and with that embedded in the story brings out humor and hatred in the poem and makes it a good read.  The two major themes from this poem though are up for debate is lust-obsession and morality.

[And yes, before you ask, this writer is a native speaker of English.  He's from the area and I'm betting his daddy owns either a lot of land and/or a really pretty sailboat.]

[Also, I'm not trying to hide the name of the text from you, but I don't want people searching the title to wind up here.]

Even beyond the appallingly incomprehensible way in which this is written, there are almost too many factual inaccuracies to count. Beyond all that, what’s the thesis?  “These are two themes?” THAT’S ALL YOU GOT?

I am pretty sure this dude would make a great president!  He’s approximately as coherent and correct as Sarah Palin is, right?  Let’s hear it for the Regulars!

I’ve been meaning to do a summer-school update for quite some time, but I’ll be damned if summer school doesn’t eat up basically all of my time. That time I have left at the end of the day for blogging must then be devoted to things of the highest priority only, such as fashion and television. What?

Today may not be the best day for me to post about my summer class, though: today their first papers were due, which means that during the entire time I was getting things ready at the front of the room, I was also being inundated with students’ questions and excuses and tales of hardship and woe. Grandparents are ailing; there are urgent family/printer/automobile emergencies; the track/baseball/cheerleading/chess team is out of town every day for the next week/month/year.

Nothing is new, unusual, or surprising about any of this; it is the student way.  Nonetheless, I find it irksome at best.  I was one of those horribly sanctimonious students who never turned anything in late, never asked for an extension, and never cut class — NOT ONCE — until senior year Logic class. (In my defense, no one in my class grasped logic at all, so every period was spent explaining the thing we were supposed to have read in the textbook.  It was horrible.  I stayed home, read the book, and went on about my business.  Because I am logical. Also am obviously superior to everyone and a joy to be around. Q.E.D., etc.)  I know that I am a bit of a priss in such matters, and that most people don’t go through school practicing such an unapologetically Rory-Gilmore-esque approach.  I am OK with this, or at least I try.

With that out of the way, let me say that my summer class is actually going very well!  I know!  It’s true!  In spite of the typical and unpreventable paper-deadline panic disorder, I seem to have a very good group of people in my class.  In the summer sessions, it is completely essential for students to be able to keep their shit together in a most basic way.  The sessions are five weeks long, and our class meets every weekday for about 90 minutes.  There’s a reading assignment every day.  We’re only a week and a half in, and they already had a 5-page paper due. Later this week we’ll have our midterm — one that asks them to be conversant with works from three major literary periods.  It’s a brutal, unforgivingly busy schedule, for me and for the whippersnappers.  I feel bad for the ones who are trying to take a full semester’s worth of courses this summer — four or five courses like mine in a short summer session sounds like absolute torture.

They all appear to be holding it together for now, though, and are jumping into the material with a respectable degree of commitment and cleverness.  I’m not sure if that will last as we move out of the poetry and into the fiction (and the much longer reading assignments that result), but I hope so.  As a group they are polite, quick on the uptake, and not too reluctant to participate.  They pick up on subtleties of the text that my previous classes seemed to miss, and there haven’t (yet) been any horrible debacles wherein it has been revealed that they desperately need dictionaries and aren’t using them. You’ll note that my enthusiasm isn’t unrestrained, but I think that’s appropriate for now.  Once I get a chance to start grading the essays they’ve just handed in, I’ll have a better feel for where they are.

And, in a move that will possibly contradict what I have just told you, I absolutely must share the following kernel of wisdom from a student who was attempting to compare different modes of poetry:

The poet uses long monologues which is similar to an epic poem but the epic poem is a lot longer and more lengthier.

Yes, despite all this, I remain cautiously optimistic.  Perhaps because I know I only have three and a half weeks to go.