Author Archive for Alfina the Vague

Back to the Grindstone

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on October 5, 2008
in Academia and Cheese Sandwich
. 2 Comments

Thanks, everybody, for the words of encouragement here and elsewhere.  It was really nice to wake up the morning of my presentation and see your friendly comments in my email!

My talk went well, even though the panel chair managed to cause some delays and technical difficulties — almost setting the room on fire by overloading an outlet and causing sizzling sparks! –  before we even got started.  She is now prominently featured on my Enemies List for that as well as for the fact that 30 seconds before the panel was to start she asked each of us what we wanted her to say when introducing us.  My response, when she kept pressing me after I demurred, was to say “I can’t come up with a bio on the spot, so please just say I am an instructor at Wordsmith and that’s all.”  Sheesh. Anyway, that bit doesn’t matter, because I had fun presenting my paper and listening to the others, which were all very interesting.

Tomorrow it’s back to work!  I’ve got midterms to grade (significantly less painful than papers, except for the occasionally appalling handwriting) and classes to teach.  I’ve also got to get my butt in gear on the job market — yes, I’ll be back on the stupid job market this year, looking for some fool university to double my salary and offer me instant tenure based on nothing more than my witty banter and killer rack.  What? It could happen!

In other more exciting news, the TV world has been exploding with greatness lately, which leaves me a lot to post about over on the media blog.  Time to go get caught up there.

Mercury Retrograde, Please Let This Be All You Have in Store for Me.

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on October 2, 2008
in Academia and Cheese Sandwich
. 4 Comments

I’ve got to dash off a quick post while my laptop seems to be working — earlier today, the display backlight wasn’t functioning, and, though the computer itself was working just fine, I couldn’t actually SEE anything on the screen.  Knock wood and all, it seems fine now. In fact, I suspect that the only reason it wouldn’t work before was because I was sitting in the DMV waiting room (again!) (and there’s a happy, happy story about the DMV this time, but it will have to wait until I get the chance for a longer post).  Of course it makes perfect sense that my laptop would stop working within the walls of the DMV office, since, apparently, NO WORK AT ALL is allowed to go on there.  Seriously, WHAT DO THE EMPLOYEES DO?

At any rate, I’m free from all those worries for the moment, as I am taking a few days off from school to present a paper at a big conference for my discipline.  I present my paper tomorrow morning, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t freaking out about it a little.  For one thing, it’s one of my favorite ideas ever, so I’m really hoping I can convey it well to the listeners.  For another thing, I had thought that, with the broken laptop and all, I wouldn’t be able to spend the evening lovingly tinkering with my sentences.  (Fingers crossed, the laptop will KEEP working long enough for me to do that.  Just my luck, I will hit “publish” on this tedious and inconsequential blog post a split second before the screen goes black again, leaving me and my paper in the dark.)

And now, I leave you to go watch the vice presidential debate.  Have you seen Sarah Palin recently?  Here are some videos on the media blog just in case you haven’t.  That bitch is one fierce pitbull.  [And by the way, the political button is staying up until the election.  I normally never get all political over here, but for once I actually really care, so just accept it, OK?]

Wish me luck on my paper, wouldja?  I am a horrible public speaker, so I need all the luck I can get!

Whippersnappers for President!

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on October 1, 2008
in Grammar and Paedagogy
. 5 Comments

So far, this week has been one magical moment after the next, most of which have involved grading.  I know, you are all incredibly jealous of the fact that every couple of weeks I have to read, analyze, grade, and comment on hundreds of student essays that demonstrate only the most minimal understanding of English language or literature.  I know I shouldn’t boast, but, hey, sometimes I just can’t help myself.

It’s a good thing, though, to know that my students are all Regulars, not those pesky Élites we all love to hate.  (And for a hilarious/terrifying look at the gap between the Regulars and the Élites, please to see this piece by George Saunders in The New Yorker.)

Here’s an example of just how Regular they are:

In the enlightenment era there were many of fascinating writings all with many different meanings.  When thinking about enlightenment and readins of that nature we tend to think of letters and poems during the 18th century and dates prior to the French revolution.  This era by some is even known as the Age of Reason.  One writing that I am going to focus on and translate in depth to what is really being said is a piece by the famous writer [redacted] titles [redacted].  This poem goes to show a controversial way of stating that beauty is above all.

This story which was written by the inspiration of an actual event carries many messages and a lot of humor in it. [Redacted] takes a look at the situations that are raised by the takings of a lock of hair from a young woman.  The passionate theft of this young woman caused a small feud between the two families that were of the passionate man and the family of the young woman.  The lock that was clipped from the young woman’s head who is named Belinda is now sought after by the families in feud.  This poem then goes on with an abundance of drama and persistence of the passion of love and with that embedded in the story brings out humor and hatred in the poem and makes it a good read.  The two major themes from this poem though are up for debate is lust-obsession and morality.

[And yes, before you ask, this writer is a native speaker of English.  He's from the area and I'm betting his daddy owns either a lot of land and/or a really pretty sailboat.]

[Also, I'm not trying to hide the name of the text from you, but I don't want people searching the title to wind up here.]

Even beyond the appallingly incomprehensible way in which this is written, there are almost too many factual inaccuracies to count. Beyond all that, what’s the thesis?  “These are two themes?” THAT’S ALL YOU GOT?

I am pretty sure this dude would make a great president!  He’s approximately as coherent and correct as Sarah Palin is, right?  Let’s hear it for the Regulars!

This is Actual: Now on Twitter

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on September 29, 2008
in Paedagogy
. 1 Comment

I’m faced with about 47 million bad literature papers to grade right now, and I thought I’d share the pleasure with you, dear readers.  I’ll be posting actual quotations from my whippersnappers’ essays on Twitter.  If you don’t already follow me on Twitter, you can see them in the sidebar or just go to my profile here.  Have fun!  I know I will be.

[By "will be" I of course mean "won't be."]

Perfect Friday?

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on September 26, 2008
in Cheese Sandwich
. 5 Comments

It’s been a long, long week of grading and other lame duties — no, seriously; my week even included that quintessentially Lamest of the Lame Duties, an afternoon spent at the DMV. Actually, a morning and an afternoon. Five hours, almost!

(Sidebar: Can you believe it? FIVE HOURS? ALMOST? I had only ever heard stories about DMV inefficiency, but had never had any problems myself. Luckily for the employees, I was there for a friend who’s getting her license, so I decided for her sake not to go ballistic on their lame, lazy, inefficient ASSES for making us wait that unbelievably long! May I assure you, however, that I did cast some extremely stern glances their way!)

Today, blissfully, all that is over. I decided to skip out of my office hours and embark on my weekend a little early.  So far, it is going swimmingly! To wit:

The weather has been lingering delightfully in the lower 80s (and even sometimes in the 70s, OH THE JOY), so I took the dog outside and let him play fetch until his tongue was almost dragging on the grass. There is nothing like the sight of a happy little dachshund bounding across the lawn like a bunny rabbit to lighten your mood.

I hit the grocery store before the hellacious, suicide-inducing 5:00 rush and bought all the ingredients for an excellent dinner, including stuff to make brownies, which I never do, but DAMN my house smells delicious right about now!

I even had an extremely excellent 4:00 cocktail while lounging on the couch with my pants undone.  Could the evening be any more perfect?

(Sidebar, the Second: apparently, the ingredients for my happiness include shirking my work, chocolate, whiskey, and dogs. I am nothing if not predictable.)

The rest of the weekend is going to be filled with grading and scholarly activities (working on a conference paper and my job-search dossier, both of which induce extreme anxiety and pain), so I figure I had better tax it, wax it, and relax it tonight.  Later on I’ll be tuning in for the first presidential debate at the University of Mississippi (SO EXCITING).

And what are YOU doing? I hope you’re having a Perfect Friday, too.