Zemblan Grammar

It turns out that becoming a doctor is not as glamorous or exciting as one might imagine.  The minions I was expecting never showed up with that sushi, for one thing.  To add insult, it seems I am still expected to carry on teaching, grading, and generally corresponding with those pedestrian pantywaist students rather than, as I had expected, being able to loaf and lounge about all day, sipping champagne from a diamond flute while David Boreanaz and James Marsters feed me fancy cheeses.  Oh, cruel disappointment!

“Mrs. Vaaaaague, do you have our paaaaapers graded yet,” the chowderheads whine wheedlingly at me through the internet computer box, all oblivious to the facts that a) I am not, nor have I ever been, a missis, and b) I loathe and detest grading their papers and will do anything in my power to avoid it.

Sadly, however, I must eventually do the work they are paying me to do.  To that end, I have devised a brilliant scheme for X-Treme Grading Awesomeness.  Here’s what I do:  I have typed up a list of generic comments and I simply pick the ones that apply to each paper and copy and paste them onto a sheet, adding in enough detail so that they seem to apply to the paper in question.  This not only saves my hand from the torture of writing out a good 75 pages of comments with a pen, but it also gives the illusion that my (careful, typed, formal-looking) comments are far better thought out than they actually are.

Here are some examples of comments I might use to talk about the argumentation:

Your thesis is intriguing and your nuanced, complex reading of the textual evidence supports it brilliantly.  I tip my hat to you, Great One.

You have a clear and interesting thesis that you support well with ample textual evidence.  I will thus refrain from feeding you to my dog.

You make some interesting claims, but the argument would be more convincing if it were supported with specific textual evidence. What kind of fool do you take me for?

There does not seem to be one central claim in the essay, but rather a lot of vague observations that aren’t in the service of any specific argument.  Congratulations, you just typed some words!

This essay rambles on like a old man sipping moonshine out of a paper bag on a park bench.  I am grievously insulted that you would even ask me to read it.

This paper has clearly been plagiarized from a monkey.  I will be taking sanctions as outlined in the Surely You Jest Handbook of Student Offenses to Decency.

Guess which one of these I never use?

Seriously, though, this technique has made my life so much easier.  I finished grading 24 papers in about five hours, and I don’t even have a hand cramp at all.  In fact, I even have time to go watch Heroes at the home of one of my doctor friends. Maybe while I’m there she can explain to me where Boreanaz and Marsters are with my champagne.