When the time has come for you to submit your first essay to a writing or literature course, you will want to practice the verbal equivalent of throwing the heat. Or, as Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh once said, you’ll want to announce your presence with authority.? First (and this strategy may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out) admit you know nothing. Don’t bother reading the assigned texts or listening during lectures: you will not need to know any of this information, because your own ignorance is the first and most important ingredient in this game. Here is an example of this strategy:
It would be right for me to being this paper by telling you that I don’t know anything about [This Literary Movement]. I kind of get what they are trying to say but at the same time I don’t get it or understand it. I also don’t know what these story’s are about, I think it seems like they are maybe using literary devices and language to get there point across.
Whew! Did you feel that heat? I clocked this pitch at a sizzling 97mph. Don’t stop there, though. Once you have begun you’ll have to keep them coming. Keep reminding the reader of how little you know. Little words like “might” and “seems” will work for this purpose, as well as, of course, the time-tested “I think.” Another example, smoking with heat:
When the author says “I will never be a writer,” it seems like he is saying that he lacks the self confidance to be a writer, because it seems like he doesn’t think he will be a writer, and I think it seems like he feels he cannot become one.
This guy is a real flamethrower — step back or you ’bouts to get burned! Examine how he not only stresses his own ignorance, but does so using repetitive, redundant, say-nothing filler sentences. He has one idea, but takes, like, eight clauses to get it out. That’s what we call free baseball!
To recap the highlights, we have seen the writer throw a screaming fireball in the form of ignorance, or, as fans of the game call it, “The Old I-Don’t-Knower.” No one can dispute that he is ignorant! But, just in case, he repeatedly undercuts and knowledge or expertise he may have incorrectly implied he had by stressing that things only seem like they might be a certain way, at least so he thinks. Scorching.
Make sure that the authority with which you announced your presence doesn’t wane — you’ll need to close with as much impact as you opened. Try something like this:
In conclusion, I do not know for sure what the author was saying with his writing, but it seems like he was saying something about how he might, or might not, do something. This is in some ways a part of the [Literary Movement] but in some ways it might be that it is also different. In short, to each his own, as the old saying goes.
There’s no need to bring in relief forces in this game! Our man has stayed strong the whole way. Admire the grip he has on the subject matter! In some ways it is one thing, he says; in other ways it might be different. No truer statement was ever made. It is out there, for sure. Kind of radical, in a kind of tubular sort of way, but mostly out there.
If this young man keeps throwing this kind of heat, who can say what future awaits him? Thus I say, make?him your model. You don’t need any knowledge to write a perfect-game paper. Just say what you think you might want to say, then say that maybe it could be that something else might be true, you think. Hey, you don’t really know! You’ve got a million-dollar arm and a five-cent head! And that’s fine, as long as you remember not to let fungus grow on your shower shoes.? You’ll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes.
Ah, yes. The grading of freshman papers.
My all time favorite:
“If technology were like chocolate I would choose Godiva’s brand because it is so rich. Our district needs to increase its technological richness.”
And then we have the stream of consciousness run-on sentence that doesn’t make any sense:
“I just keep asking myself why you would do that when the computers will cost more over the long run then a teacher who can at least interact with the students. If soft wear is for a student that can not type because he has no arms then I think the best may be the way to go but if it is for a student that has both arms then I think a typing class might be the best thing for them to do.”
Well played, sir. Well played.
It makes me both happy, and sad, that I’ve never written something so terrible. Yes, that includes all of the writing I did after a long night’s consultation with the Right Honorable Reverend Jack Daniels.
That’s pretty good heat, but I have a relief pitching story of my own.
What irks me are these silly academics that invariably include the line: “all remaining errors are my own”. What kind of pre-emptive, sap-filled excuse is this??!? Perhaps the co-author IS a moron. For this reason I NEVER include such a disclaimer in my (perfect) scribblings. What weener would ever write something so silly in his paper? Is this the latest fashionable trend of grovelling in academic writing? What is this game of claiming “all remaining errors” as one’s own? I’m sorry, but I won’t participate in this “inning”. I DON’T MAKE errors and even if hell froze over and I did, I’m not going to admit to it so blatently! Phooey to this stupidly humble disclaimer! Phooey, I say! Go warm my writing bench you error prone weeners who are beneath my dignity! (Preferably with your drivelly, apology-filled half-excuse of an error-filled paper.)
K — Those are awesome. “If technology were like chocolate….” That comparison pretty much just blew my mind, man. It’s like if LIFE were like chocolate. Oh, wait.
T — Yeah, I can’t imagine anybody I know being like this. I kind of wish I knew what these people were like outside of the classroom. Like, are they really this dumb all the time? Do they SAY things like this? Out LOUD? To PEOPLE?!
J — Must be a sciencey thing. I don’t think I have ever seen that one, but I’m sure I should tell my students about it. They’re all no doubt on the lookout for new ways to undercut their own authority!
V - In order: Probably, I’d give it a pretty high probability, yes, unfortunately.
Many of them major in business and go on to work at banks. If it’s any consolation, none of them can read either.
Wow, John, really in the spirit of science there, ALWAYS BEING TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. Way to advance the cause of understanding.
I wasn’t referring to the ideas, ideas can be wrong. I was referring to any typographical and/or spelling errors in the work. I make sure to check and re-check any document destined for publication. Errors happen. What’s the point of including such a profound disclaimer on the front page of the work? I’ve actually seen these lines in bold and italics…who is it that an author can fear so much so as to include a claim on all errors in the work IN ITALICS?