Zemblan Grammar

then - Used to speak about temporal or causal relationships, for example, "First you write the bad paper, then I kill you," or perhaps "If you don’t effing figure this out soon, then I will be forced to feed you to my dog.  He is a tiny dog and your death will be slow."  See?

than - Used for comparisons, for example, I might use this word when I have to explain that your friend got an A and you got a C- because your friend’s paper was better than yours.  Your friend seems to actually know how to read, so yeah.

site - As they say in real estate, it’s all location, location, location.  Like a website: a place on the web where I write mean things about you.  Or maybe a dig site: the place in the ground where future archaeologists will be digging up your remains, marveling at the tiny, dachshund-shaped gnarl-marks all over your bones.

sight - One of your five senses, or a thing you see with that sense. A noun, mostly. Your paper was a sad, sorry sight.  For example, you know?

cite - The thing you didn’t do in your paper, which caused you to fail. A verb. Cite your effing sources next time, asshat.

heel - The part of your foot opposite your toes, a command for a dog, or, idiomatically, the body part over which your head (stupidly, but not the point) is said to be when you fall in love. Head over heels, people; over heels.

heal - Get better, repair, recover, stop being sick.  You’ll need time to heal after the dachshund is through with you, I am saying.

Albania - A Balkan country on the Adriatic sea.  This is in Europe.

Algeria - A North African country on the Mediterranean sea. In Africa.  This is the country in which The Sheltering Sky was set.  Remember all that talk about the desert?  The Saharan desert?  The desert that is not in Europe?  Yes.

ruff - A lacy collar with deep, ruffly folds, like Shakespeare used to wear.  Hint: ruffle.

rough ? Apparently, this is how your week was, what with the dead grandmothers and flat tires and the nasty case of Dengue fever you claim to have contracted on your trip to Albania (all of this, of course, preventing you from turning up to class or handing in your essay).  Yes, a rough week.  It?s going to get even rougher if you keep insisting your week was really, you swear, just like Shakespeare?s collar — literally!  Then I?m going to have to release the hound.

figuratively - involving a figure of speech, like  metaphor.  For example, ?After incorrectly referring to Albania when he meant Algeria, the student had egg on his face,? or ?The student?s essay was a nightmare.?  These are figures of speech, see; they?re not really, literally, true.  Unless, of course, I decide to crack an egg on the kid’s face, or I have a nightmare that takes the form of a student?s essay.  Now that I think about it, neither of these is too far outside the realm of possibility.

literally - In a manner in accordance with the strict, real, actual meaning of the word.  Stop saying things like ?I lit a fire under his ass ? literally!? or ?I have a bone to pick with you ? literally!?  The word literally is not meant to be used to amplify your meaning or emphasize your depth of feeling on the matter of the metaphorical fire you lit under your colleague’s ass.  Unless, of course, you did, literally, light him afire in the assular region, and in that case, he likely deserved it.  Well done.