I have long been curious about the bafflingly clumsy google searches through which people have arrived at this site. Today, for example, some unfortunate souls got here by searching for “bain of my existence definition” and “gold lame capri.” Of those two, whose life is worse? You be the judge. Another search string had the profound and oddly soothing claim, “I myself was grammar” — one of the countless grammar-related searches that arrives at this site, where the unsuspecting googler is only going to be insulted and called an asshat or a chowderhead.
Overall, though, the most common search strings seem to be just improper uses of google — cases where someone has treated google like a person with whom one can converse. They interrogate google, demanding to know “how did tyra banks get so fat?” or “what is onanism?” Faced with questions of the first sort, I just have to wonder why they care, and hope they will find my rant about Tyra and her fatsuit edifying. For the second inquiry, I find myself wishing I could answer them somehow; I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them and shout DICTIONARY DOT COM YOU FOOL DICTIONARY DOT COM. It’s because I like helping people, see?
Sadly for all involved, there is usually no way to do this. Unless, of course, the clumsy googler, after having searched and arrived at my blog, decides to click that email link over to the right and send me, Alfina the Vague, a personal email asking that very same question. Yes indeedy, this really happened! Imagine my glee!
On the same day someone searched ask.com for “what paul simon song title deals with thermodynamics,” I received the following email in my box:
To: Alfina The Vague
From : Karats1@internetcompany.com
Subject: question
what paul simon song title deals with thermodynamics hope u can answer thanks
k
For some bizarre reason still unknown to me, I decided to respond. Probably I was in the throes of a desperate procrastination attempt, trying to put off some grading or even some research of my own. I include below, for your possible amusement, the email conversation that ensued (I have replaced URLs with links to make this look nicer; that’s the only change I’ve made):
To: Karats1
From: Alfina
Subject: question
Learn how to use a search engine, not to mention a shift key.
[link to a more appropriate search string]
- - - -
To: Alfina
From: Karats1
Subject: question
Thank you for your prompt reply.
I did use my search engine that is how I found you.
Though you may not appreciate my use of the shift key, I hope that I have not insulted you into ignoring just one more question. Is the song Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes the correct answer?
Thanks whoever you are.
K
- - - -
To: Karats1
From: Alfina
Subject: question
>> Is the song Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes the correct answer?
No, it is not. I seriously can not believe your ineptitude with the search engines. You searched
what paul simon song title deals with thermodynamics
on Ask.com, right? No, I am not psychic, but the internet works in amazing and mysterious ways. Your search question doesn’t take into account how to get the kind of results that will be helpful to you. Try searching:
“paul simon” AND thermodynamics
It will give you these results.
The fourth search result down contains the following sentence:
“As both Paul Simon and the laws of thermodynamics remind us, ‘everything put together sooner or later falls apart.’ “
Thus leading me to conclude that the song you refer to is “Everything Put Together Falls Apart,” from Paul Simon’s self-titled album of 1972. The title of this song refers to entropy, a concept central to the second law of thermodynamics. Read more about entropy here. Find a list of all Paul Simon’s albums and song titles here.
The whole thing took about five minutes, including writing this email.
- - - -
To: Alfina
From: Karats1
Subject: question
Thanks so very much we appreciate it.
Want to try question 2?
What scientist was brutally murdered by Christian minks on the way home from the world’s greatest library?
K
At this point I was completely baffled by this person’s behavior, but curiosity got the better of me. I searched for the requested information (changing “minks” to “monks” based on genius-like insight alone) and, what do you know, the answer was contained in the first of many useful results. I decided initially not to respond, but, soon enough, my itchy typing fingers got the better of me, and I sent this response, which had the perhaps unfortunate result of killing the conversation:
To: Karats1
From: Alfina
Subject: question
You know, the whole point of that exercise, for me, was to demonstrate how easy it is to find information on the internet. You have access to google. You have access to the same internet I do. And yet, you use search engines poorly, and essentially give up. How many search results did you click before you wound up at my website?* How long did you try to research this before you asked a STRANGER on the INTERNET to solve your problem for you?*
What do they teach you people in school these days?*
Good lord.
*NB These are rhetorical questions to which I neither want nor expect answers.
Sadly, now here I am, left with so much unresolved — in retrospect, I shouldn’t have added the snide little NB about rhetorical questions, because I am strangely dying to know: how many results did they click before mine? How long did they work on this question? What does it take to be desperate enough to email a stranger from the internet to do your homework for you?
I did suspect this was homework of some sort, by the way. The original email has “HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT” written all over it, and my active little imagination quickly created some hypothetical scenario where students had to do some kind of (internet?) research assignment of a scavenger-hunt-like design — something I have heard of before in classes like “Library Methods” or “Writing for Research” or similar. Guess what, though? The owner of that particular username at that particular ISP turned out (on more cursory googling) to be a middle-aged schoolteacher in New York. Well, I’m sure she’s doing a great job, right? Right?
i thotught u we’re quite nice to im. aftar teh secoand email ida give him both barals if itd been me.
I got an image of Christian Minx killing a scientist, and now I can’t get it out of my head. I think this is some sort of psychological virus trying to make all of our heads explode. If it weren’t for our present leadership immunizing us all against unbelievable stupidity it might have worked.
A tad harsh on the perpetrator there Alfina; a little rough I feel.
Still, the image of “christian minks” (I know the plural is “mink” but what the hell?) teeming through the city in a crucifix wielding hysterical bout of religious zealotry, killing scientists in the name of Our Lord, is one that will stay with me for a long, long time. Other amphibious rodents however - what are their religious affiliations? Are otters naturally inclined to Islam? Do beavers actively practice the tenets of Hindusim? I’m fairly certain that voles are committed Zen Buddhists.
A tad harsh on the perpetrator there Alfina; a little rough I feel.
Still, the image of “christian minks” (I know the plural is “mink” but what the hell?) teeming through the city in a crucifix wielding hysterical bout of religious zealotry, killing scientists in the name of Our Lord, is one that will stay with me for a long, long time. Other amphibious rodents however - what are their religious affiliations? Are otters naturally inclined to Islam? Do beavers actively practice the tenets of Hindusim? I’m fairly certain that voles are committed Zen Buddhists.
A tad harsh on the perpetrator there Alfina; a little rough I feel.
Still, the image of “christian minks” (I know the plural is “mink” but what the hell?) teeming through the city in a crucifix wielding hysterical bout of religious zealotry, killing scientists in the name of Our Lord, is one that will stay with me for a long, long time. Other amphibious rodents however - what are their religious affiliations? Are otters naturally inclined to Islam? Do beavers actively practice the tenets of Hindusim? I’m fairly certain that voles are committed Zen Buddhists.
Geez, King, there must be some weird relationship between your IP and my comments section; it’s like my comments just can’t let go of you. They demand more! more! more!
I will respond properly later, when the five million whiskeys wear off. (Am engaged in that one whiskey experiment we proposed, er, sometime prior to now.) Mlargh, and cigarettes, and so forth.
Oh for crying out loud….
Whiskey, beer, spread some cheer!
Send me the results of the whiskey experiment when finished, I’ll write up a paper.
KoTH: That’s too funny. It’s like: “I said post the message you stoopid computer!” CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK…
Vague, methinks that you weren’t the only one involved in the whiskey experiment. Perhaps King was right there on your heels?
For the record, I don’t think Alfina was too harsh. I mean, it was a teacher for god’s sake.
If anything, I think Alfina’s response contained far too little profanity and too few accusations of being “the helmet-wearing kind of special.” Not nearly mean enough, because this lady isn’t just too stupid to be a teacher, she’s obviously too dumb to own a computer.
Good lord indeed, I also think you were too kind. Do not let your curiosity get the better of you. In fact I will answer your rhetorical questions for you.
2 links, 5 minutes and who cares if a stranger thinks I’m stupid. I get paid $8 an hour to babysit rotten kids all day. The only way it could be worse is if I was forced to do it as some sort of ‘higher education program’. Like a grad student, omg I’d kill myself if I was a grad student. Though, summers off are nice.
i want more of this delightful story. more!
I found your site by searching for something grammar related…and all I found was comedy. I will be sure to bookmark you for more use whenever “Ask Marilyn” fails.
I think I will try and buy one of those Christian coats for next Winter.
Christian minks are what the Pope’s clothes are made out of. Sheesh, I would have thought everyone knew that.
Where do I get a Christian minx?
So, Apparently it has taken me four days to recover from the Friday-night whiskey. Well, not really. Really I have just been extra with the busy and the grading and the pain and the hey hey it hoits me torture of the life and the agony. (Ouch.)
Anyway, I was going to work up a post of all the “I don’t think it means what you think it means” words from my student papers, but of course I don’t have the post-it with th examples at work, so I will just make a lengthy and rambling response to these comments.
First of all, you people are keeeeling me with the Christian Minks/Minx talk. Saucy! And Furry!
And I wanted to ask: I was kind of toying with the idea of writing to Karats1 and telling her that I had published our epic tale of web research and giving her the URL, but I’m not sure I want to start shit (or, I guess, continue shit) with her. What do you guys think?
Send it on! Consider it educational for her. You know some of her kids may eventually end up in my classroom. Think of it as doing me, and perhaps all of us, a favor.
Generally I am in favour of rubbing the noses of others in foul smelling substances, but under these circumstances I am finding it hard to recommend a course of action regarding Carrots1.
I know that answer isn’t helpful. Sorry.
I’m really surprised she didn’t write back to ask for the definition of “NB”.