Zemblan Grammar

Dear Smarmy Joe,

When you knock on someone’s door and she calls out cheerfully, "come in," and you come in, and her face falls, and she looks at you in blank confusion, this is a clue that you might not be welcome. Perhaps her cheery response to your knock was premature. Perhaps she was expecting someone else.

When you use your old, tired salesman’s trick of pretending to know her ("Sally! Hello," you intone, smarmily.) and it doesn’t work ("Uh, no. Sally’s office is now in Other Building."), this is another clue. You can’t pretend that you know someone, be exposed as a fraud, and then still expect to do some kind of business deal. This will not work. I didn’t even go to business school and I can tell you that.

At this point, Smarmy Joe, you should really just walk away. That’s my advice to you. Do not attempt to wheedle your way into the lady’s good graces, all "Well, Sally, I am here buying textbooks do you have any textbooks to sell I see you have a lot of books there!" Your excessive enthusiasm and crazed, glassy eyes are doing you no favors here, young man. People may still attempt to be polite to you ("No thanks, I’m not interested. Yes, I keep all my books. Yes, I use them! Anyway, they’re not textbooks per se; they are novels. It’s not like they go out of date. Um, OK, so, I am working here, so if you could move on please."), but if you don’t catch a clue soon enough, they may be forced to shoo you out with the universally understood "shoo, fly" gesture and then close the door loudly in your face.

Just a tip. Like I said, I didn’t go to business school or anything.

Humbly yours in an advisory capacity,

Still Not Sally