School starts tomorrow, and I’ll be in the classroom first thing in the morning, wowing my 30 unsuspecting students with my intimidating brilliance and sparking wit. Er, or something, anyway.
I know, I know, you’re all thinking "What? School starts tomorrow? Isn’t that a bit late?!" Well join the club. Frankly, I loathe this quarter system business. I would much prefer two fifteen-week semesters to the three ten-week quarters we get now, but the end-of-September start to the year and the mid-June finish actually do suit the Zemblan Summers much better than the East Coast schedule would.
Here’s the thing though. All throughout the month of September, I have to field countless calls and emails from people on the East Coast all "Hey, Alfina, so, how is school going," and I am all "Ha HA, you hooplehead; I am not in school yet." The same thing happens again in mid-May, when those same people think I am done for the year–and then, the joke is on me, because I still have a month to go.
And it’s not that I think everyone should keep my academic calendar in their minds at all times, or anything, so I guess it’s no big deal when people forget that my university doesn’t start at the same time theirs does, or at the same time as the local public schools in their area, or whatever they are basing this assumption on. But it’s another thing entirely that when they have to act so damned shocked about the whole thing, all "WHA? HUH? NO SCHOOL FOR ANOTHER MONTH? WHA?" Because, people, hello, I HAVE BEEN AT THIS SCHOOL SINCE 2000. This is the SEVENTH SEPTEMBER we have had this conversation. You would think after seven, I repeat, SEVEN years, this would get a little easier. Ahem.
So, anyway, I seem to have gotten off track. Where was I? Oh yes, school is starting tomorrow. One huge implication of that is that my regular paychecks will be a-rollin’ in with great fanfare. You can expect me to do some kind of elaborate celebratory dance each and every time those (small, teeny, lovely, intoxicating) little deposits hit my checking account. Those, combined with the light-but-steady trickle of temp paychecks, will put an end to the Horrifying Summer of my Discontent. Bills shall be paid! Fun shall be had! Maybe this heartburn will finally go away!
While we’re talking about money, which I hear polite people do not do (but who are we kidding here?), I’d like to say a big fat Thank You to the nice people who helped make a wretched time better by using my little "Donate" button. You are all so kind to help out a cranky stranger like that, and I appreciate it so very much. And another big Thank You to those of you who bought me beers, listened to me bitch, or were otherwise just your awesome selves. Mwah!
While the financial stress is fading into the background, I expect this year to continue to be pretty gut-wrenching. It is (fingers crossed) my last year here, which means I will have to finish my dissertation (when? WHEN I ASK YOU.) and go on the job market. Ugh. I can’t believe I actually typed that. Let us never speak of it again. The academic job market is a soul-sucking, cold-hearted bitch, and some of you already know what I am talking about. Those of you who aren’t acquainted with said bitch…well, be glad, I guess. I don’t know that I’ll be writing much about that aspect of life here.
Teaching, at least, can be guaranteed to go reasonably well–or at least to go wrong in predictable ways. Most of the problems I encounter these days are ones for which I have already come up with an attack strategy. Students don’t do their reading? They fail the reading quiz and get hot coffee dumped in their laps. They don’t want to contribute to discussion? I call on them and go all Socratic until they cry, then I take a picture of their crying ass and post it to their MySpace account, which I have hacked into. Their cell phone rings in class? That one’s simple: a punch in the neck.
Teaching, you see, is easy. I just don’t know if hiring committees will respond to such measures. Do you think they’re even on MySpace?
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