Hello, esteemed readers. I am here to make you a very special, very lucrative, limited-time offer! Yes, that’s right. Step right up and let me tell you what I, Alfina the Vague, can do for you.
Most of you are familiar with the BLACKLISTED! series of posts, wherein I present to you things that have earned my righteous disdain, and where I asked of you, the readers, the following:
You may recognize some of these characters, and should you, I humbly ask that you consider their inclusion on this list in any of your interactions. Do not hire these people! Do not lend them change for the payphone! Do not go to bed with them! They have been BLACKLISTED!
These people (and things, situations, concepts, etc.) are my sworn enemies! I ask that you shun them. But I think that, in the face of such a request, I could offer something in exchange. Who (or what) are your sworn enemies? Whom, if you met them in a dark alleyway, would you be duty bound to punch in the neck? Let me know, and I will place them on the Zemblan Grammar BLACKLIST! All caps, exclamation point, the whole nine. This, I do for you.
Neighbor parking in your space? Lazy students got you singing the blues? Hate leggings? I want to know about it! Submit your requests in the comments section or via email, and I will compile a special, limited edition Readers’ BLACKLIST!
(If submission volume is high I may do this in multiple installments, so don’t be shy! Lurkers especially encouraged. South Africa, Chapel Hill, Atlanta, Toronto, Dublin, Denver–I am looking at you people!)
i nomanate that huge fuckign dilog in acrabat redar whe’re just as youfe finaly finsihed waitign fiftean minuts for some wretched file you dont wana read anyway to load an display than it waits until you start reding an pops up in my face like hey ashole i know waht you reeeeeelly wana do right now is interact with some random asshole dialog you didn ask for! i duno what the dialog is. i think it wants me ta upgrade or some such bulshit. but tehwrost part is you hit the escape key to get rid of it an it dosn die. it ignoares escape entirly. so i gota find teh mouse an click on some dumb buton.
i hate hate hate hate htate that.
an those godamn yelow buble thigns that are always popign up in the corner in windas xp an sayign stupid shit like ‘hey hey hey hey hhey i betcha realy reeeeally wana know right now that the network card still isn’t any more connected than it was the last five times i tol you! FUCK. OFF.
an the flashign dia…
oh fuck it. ihate computars. hate em hate em hate em. blacklist em all.
Great idea, I’m in and my first nominee; I’m assuming we can nominate more than one, OK my first nominee is….
1. Wal-Mart: I just hate Wal-Mart
2. High heels, I’d rather wear flip flops and if I could get away with it I’d wear them to work
3. Dell computer TECH SUPPORT
4. Mr. NOT-SO-RIGHT-AFTER-ALL
5. and finally, the bathroom scale
This idea sounds like a budding carnival to me…
Good luck.
People who cannot follow simple, written instructions.
Latex.
Grass and grass-related pollens.
TV News.
the middle sister from full house. especially when she said “how rude!”. i always wanted to smack her.
i hate that guy with the super-skinny jeans and pretentiously pointy boots and greasy, greasy hair all carefully mussed, cigarette hanging out of his mouth clearly thinking to himself, “i am a rockstar. i will stand here so the people may glory in my coolness. but i will ignore them because that is how cool i am.” i want to punch him in the throat RIGHT NOW.
p.s. i hate teh fcat taht ive been in the ofice since 8 yestidy moronigng an im statrign to smel funy.
kWh - fuck of i rely am that cool. i evan gota q-tron. ur just jelous.
HA: fine. you caught me out. i worship you and your ilk.
i would like to add the two a-holes who blocked me at every turn at the grocery store. they were all “hey babe, lo-fat or lo-carb? babe?” and i got boxed in in front of the frosted mini-wheats. they’re majorly blacklisted.
also, grocery store: you are blacklisted!
1. The high school boy who wears the “sushi in the sky with diamonds” t-shirt, doesn’t show up for the FREAKING EXPENSIVE CLASS more than half the time, because he doesn’t like mornings, even though it’s at 10 and by then i’ve already had my workout and 2 cups of coffee… fucking lazy ass… who also decides that hitting on me, a college student, who doesn’t want his bullshit, or his chocolate-filled croissants, is a good idea? stupid little shit.
(okay, I confess, I accepted the chocolate-filled croissant, but it didn’t mean anything to me, besides chocolatey, buttery goodness)
2. I second the bathroom scale
3. The coffee kiosk girl who doesn’t understand what “iced espresso” is no matter how I phrase it, and when she finally gets the gist of the idea, insists on putting it in a hot-beverage cup. IT’S ICE. THERE’S ICE RIGHT THERE IN THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION.
…you should probably clean these up.
Blacklist these, please:
Lack of mustard
Stupid, broken futon of a couch
One way streets
Hungarian dental spa trips
Citibank….for holding every paycheck I get for four to five days because even though I live across the river from New Jersey, my check is still considered an “out of state” check because it’s from there. I just put together some spare change tonight to go see a movie while $_____ of my money languishes with Citibank waiting to “clear”. Yay. BLACKLISTED!!!
My employment service for not paying me promptly to begin with and putting me in this hole.
People with car alarms. All of them. Every single one.
The editor for the fashion mag I have to maintain code on
The guy who was wearing the t-shirt I saw today in the subway…”You’ll Do”. Yeah?
Well YOU WON’T.
The people who act confused right at the moment they need to swipe their subway cards to get on the freaking platform as the 1 train rolls up thereby making those of us who are faster yet stuck behind them, miss it. This especially sucks on Sundays when the trains run much less frequently due to “maintenance”.
Subway “maintenance”.
Humidity.
All of the above are indeed blacklisted.
Sweet, guys! Loving all the submissions so far, and that’s not just the wine talking.
Keep it up! Keep it real! Represent! Other assorted, outdated urban slang! That’s just how we roll!
(Wait, what’s that I hear? Is that the sound of the wine? Talking?)
my ilk man. yeah! i gottta ilk. wich thjats likea posse but moare difuse. sinistar in a way. insidioius.
you nevar know whena ilk might sneeak up onya.
its so totly cool to hae a ilk. dthank you kwh. that was very thogthful.
I would like to blacklist London’s Metropolitan Police Service. Usually they’re too busy shooting innocent Brazilians on the tube, or stopping black people in cars at random to bother investigating crime, but just occasionally they will attend the scene of an incident. About a month ago, some poor fellow was found lying in the street with a bad head wound just around the corner from my house, obviously the victim of an assault. Cue the Hollywood style blue siren frenzy; about twelve police cars, a van full of baying Alsatians, lots of big men in cool looking Kevlar vests striding around saying important sounding things into their radios, a bloke with a chemistry set dusting the road for forensics, miles of “POLICE! DO NOT CROSS!” tape wrapped around lampposts etc. They all stayed around for about an hour then shoved off when it became apparent that the attackers, whoever they were, had scarpered pretty sharpish. Anyway, no more was heard until 4 weeks later when suddenly a big yellow sign appeared overnight on the pavement asking for witnesses to the assault. “WERE YOU THERE?” the sign beseeched. “DID YOU SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING?” No, one is tempted to think, because unless people are more stupid then even I give them credit for, it is highly fucking unlikely that someone who saw a bloke being battered with sticks or heard the screams of the victim thought to themselves “Oh, it’s probably nothing” and walked off without a second thought. Also, taking a month to erect a sign asking for info may be, just a teensy weensy ickle bickle bit late for the purposes of catching anyone who may have information. There is also the knock on effects of these signs (and believe me, this is only the latest in a long series of the wretched things) making my neighbourhood appear to be some kind of English equivalent to the frigging Bronx, as well as merely reinforcing the widely held belief that thee Metropolitan Police, despite swallowing vast oceans of public cash, could not investigate the contents of their own fridges properly without having to watch episodes of “CSI” for help. Couple this with the fact that on the one occasion I have ever needed to actually call on their help in London, they simply never bothered to turn up, and then threow in their abysmally low crime solving rate, their blatant institutionalised racism, their history of corruption and cover up, their pathetic leadership and their general uselessness on a day to day basis, and you should soon get a picture of an organisation that is actually more of a danger to the security of Londoners than the criminals themselves. Please give them their very own blacklist!
1. People who chew gum when they talk to me. Especially when I can tell what color it is.
2. Righteous kynd-vegan-brothers/sisters who litter, steal, and smell bad. (They always have puppies, never have dogs…)
3. The California DMV.
4. The men in my ‘hood between the ages of 25 and 40 who live with their moms, procreate, and hang out 24 hours a day installing subwoofers in their dying cars.
5. Permissive parenting. It should be outlawed. Followers of the offensive practice should be rounded up for reprogramming. (Come on, you can do it, say “no” to your kids.)
Oh, I just thought of another one: Baby blogs. So little Jimmy learned how to walk? He’s SUPPOSED to walk! He’s a BIPED! Also, millions of women every year find themselves pregnant and then giving birth. There is nothing special about this. Even my Mum did it three times in her life. So why the awed hush tones of reverence for doing the biological equivalent of defrosting the fridge? Blacklist baby blogs quick!
Not just the blogs, blacklist the babies. And the vile children they almost inevitably turn into. Thank heavens for cot death.
Oh, also, Stone Phillips. Just cause.
1. The card readers at Safeways, for the way they beep at you if you take more than 1.4 seconds to slide your card after selecting “debit” because you’re busy telling the clerk what capers might be.
2. Whoever it is that makes some coins really darkly stained and crusty, and then returns them to circulation, for obvious reasons.
3. The lack of websites devoted to defaming Tyler Florence. I’m convinced that blowjob is a major cokehead, all jumpy and forced laughter and groping middle-aged ladies. But nobody on the internet seems to be saying this. How come?
I like the idea of blacklisting babies and their stupid blogs. I second that one.
Also, Dan Lauria. He should be blacklisted. Period. And the way he signs his stupid and abusive emails to people…GOD BLESS, DAN
as if he’s shouting still at the sign off. Don’t ask me how I know all this. Blacklist him.
Fucktards who reproduce (often multiple times), thus perpetuating the cycle of idiocy… there should be a written test before people are allowed to have kids. Seriously, like the SATs.
Oooh, I am going to have to think about this lest I lose my mind all over your comments!
First, though, I would like blacklist cat-murdering puppies.
Second, people who have to be all melodramatic about their pet drama…
1. Suntan lotion. Sticky, oily and invisible. Especially that new spray on stuff. You know how they make tanning creams now that initially start out a darker color so you can tell where the hell you’ve put it on in the first place? Yeah, they should do that with suntan lotion too. I’ve got all kinds of interesting patterns imprinted on my skin right now and the coloring of a peppermint.(I’m at my mom’s at the beach… this normally wouldn’t be an issue for me.)
2. Sunburns
3. Everything Oedipa said about the subways. Also: sweat added to the subway odor mix in summertime. YUMMY.
4. Pigeons. All pigeons. (Okay, maybe leave a few for a couple of Jamie Oliver recipes, though I’m not sure I’d even eat them.)
Oh, and:
5. People who, when they are upset with something stupid like a subway stopping in a tunnel for, oh, two seconds or a cashier taking too long, look around and roll their eyes and sigh loudly and just wait for you to look them smack in the eye so they can start telling everyone in the near vicinity how they (and therefore all of us of course!) must feel. Oh the camaraderie! This blacklist item is closely related to another one: people who yawn really loudly. Hoh-hhhaaooool-hohhhhl.
People who hit pets and then drive the hell off. Happened to some friends of mine, a neighbor of theirs put the kitty in a box on the porch with a note.
And I’ll second Car Alarms, especially those so sensitive as to go off in a heavy rain. At 2am. On Tuesday.
dresses over jeans. please. please. please. make this go away.
and my drug dealer neighbors. I assume that they are drug dealers because of the amount of sketchy people lurking on the corner and in the alley behind my house. These sketchy lurkers arrived at the same time as the neighbors. I realize that drugs need to be bought and sold and all, but could the remnants of the backwoods hollers just please go brew their own meth? NIMBY, yo.
and people from other countries that tip shit. I make it a point to know the tipping practices of the countries I visit, why don’t they?!?!?
oh goodness. see, you shouldn’t have got me started.
to balance the hate - I love my cat. He rules. He is stalking slugs or crickets or something in the yard and he is so psyched to be outside at night. He’s only allowed out accompanied. Especially at night. but as it’s so freaking hot we are outside drinking our beer. 74 degrees is not an acceptable nighttime temperature. You can please blacklist the 94 farenheit and the 100 plus humidity.
thank you for this opportunity. I must admit that when things are very annoying, I have adopted your phraseology and scream “(annoying thing) you are BLACKLISTED!” in my head.
credit where credit is due and all.
6. The effing newspaper for editing the bite out of my letter to the editor when they published it today. The whole point of my letter was to tell them that they don’t report on ANYTHING in my ‘hood. Bastards. They took out the punchline. I mean, the original was pretty damn sharp. Fucking Bastards.
This list is too accessible.
Actually, people who write to local newspapers was going to be on my blacklist, but I’ll drop it out of respect.
this concept of “work” should be abandoned. therefore, “work,” you are BLACKLISTED.
Loud teens from the ‘burbs in expensive skinny jeans on their cellphones who “like, came out to watch a show? But, like, it’s actually tomorrow? And, like ugh, do wanna meet is at Urban Outfitters?” Skinny Jean Teens, you’ve been BLACKLISTED!
Pet owners who let their beloved ani-pals run around outdoors in the city and then sue when they’re hit by a car or attacked by another animal (sorry, Timothy). You wouldn’t let a toddler run around unsupervised so why allow a tabby or golden retriever to do the same? Until pets learn how to look both ways, they belong indoors, on a leash or behind a fence, people.
Also: one-ply toilet paper.
ok, i see the potential for infinite contributions, but just from today:
Please feel free to blacklist the people who drive 15 miles below the speedlimit down back country roads, which are the rural equivalent to the audobahn, with their dirty little tow-headed kids jumping around unbelted(!) and then drifting into the other lane anytime a broken line appears, therefore effectively squelching your attempt to pass the fuckers. I hate them.
EARWIGS! Truly gross, especially en mass, and pinchy! Well, the look pinchy.
Jackass teens on motorized scooter-things that you stand on - they like to buzz my house all day and night (I live on a hill) and I can’t wait for the way they blow through stop signs to result in the necessary carnage.
Wow, that sounded mean! it would merely be thinning the herd, though.