Teenagers. Does anyone else ever notice that a Teenager, no matter how large or small, takes up infinitely more space than a person of any other age? How do accomplish this subversion of physical space? I won’t even get into their louder-than-possible voices or inane conversations. My suspicion is that they talk SOFUCKINGLOUD because they are hoping other people will hear what they’re saying. (No word on whether I think this now because I behaved similarly at that age. You really don’t want to hear about that, now do you?). Teenagers also apparently think that, no matter who else is already in the deep end of the pool, floating placidly in the blue, blue water and minding her own business, that the deep end belongs to them. It is theirs for the taking, theirs that they might shout and flail and wrestle and throw around the giant beach ball they stole from the six-year-olds in the shallow end. Lousy fucking behavior. Teenagers, you have been BLACKLISTED!
Old Starey Lady. Old Starey is the one lady who goes to the pool with no book, no magazine, no crossword puzzle, no headphones, and, worst of all, no sunglasses. She just sits there and stares at people. When I peel myself up off the chaise and prepare to jump in, she is there, watching. When I get water in my ear and have to do the pound-on-the-side-of-the-head thing until it comes out, she is there, watching. When I exit the pool, trying desperately to keep the weight of water from pulling my top down as I climb the ladder, she is there, watching. Old Starey Lady, you are intensely creepy, and you have been BLACKLISTED!
Children. Children are just like teenagers, except slightly smaller and usually diapered. They scream, they cry, they piss. They occasionally leave their floaty foam rubber noodle things unattended, so I can steal them. The day you start taking your noodles home, Children, you will be BLACKLISTED!
Strange Aquatic Bugs. Strange Aquatic Bugs are not bees, flies, wasps, or any of the other bugs that inevitably get trapped on the water’s surface and die, left there to float in limbo until they are removed with the skimmer. No, Strange Aquatic Bugs are large and pill-shaped and swim (SWIM!) in the water with strange, flippery legs. They are in the water, ALIVE, moving AROUND, and intensely squicky. Who are you, Strange Aquatic Bugs, and what the fuck are you doing in my pool? Strange Aquatic Bugs, you have been BLACKLISTED!
And you still swim there? There is a lovely creek about 10 miles down the road near Cabbage Grave (in Zembla) where the water is cold and clear and cascades through the forest in a series of deep swimming holes and little water falls…..
I’m not much for nature swimming. The ocean is acceptable, in but…rivers and lakes and such are for wading purposes only. (Even then, touching the bottom of a lake with my feet…ew.)
Except, this one time, in Florida, I was wading into the ocean and a STUPID CRAB PINCHED ME. Even worse was my distress call: “OW! Hey! Hey guys! A crab pinched me! It just pinched me and then IT SCUTTLED AWAY!” Lord.
Anyway, the pool is great early in the morning when no one else is around and there is a forgotten noodle for me to use.
Which is not to say I won’t check that place out–thanks for the tip!
There are no crabs in this creek. Only smooth stones on the bottom. Used to be my favorite spot in the summer.
But some people do have that nature swimming phobia. Myself, I doubt I’d swim in Florida. Too many sharks, crocs, alligators, sea snakes, cottonmouths, and other dangerous things lurking in ALL of its waters. Not to mention all the retirees and spring breakers. Of course, I’ve never actually been there.
And you know who else needs to be blacklisted?
Big hairy guys who don’t wash their butts…
I can spot em a mile away -
Uh, did you go over and touch the old Starey Lady? Did she feel a little cold out there in all that heat?
Yeah, I thought so.
She’s not creepy, she’s dead.
it is creappy in the exreme for a deaed persan to be at teh pool so if shes dead tahts no excuse.
O– Florida isn’t too scary…excepting the giant bugs, of course. Yeesh. OK, it’s a little scary. But nice.
BB– I absolutely agree. We have a couple of those here, too. Nasty.
OP– I’m not sure whether I would find that relieving or not…
HA– What would be even worse would be for someone to be half-dead at the pool, all hooked up to IVs and feeding tubes with orderlies changing her bedpan and slathering her with hospital grade sunscreen. Shudder.