I. Greatest Student Emails
To: Alfina the Vague
From: Student #1
Subject: IMPORTANT
hi this is sally from your class. i was not able to make it to class today due to reasons. can you please tell me what i missed. RESPOND ASAP.
— — — — —
To: Alfina the Vague
From: Student #2
Subject: ?
Attachment: [none]
attached is my essay
— — — — —
To: Alfina the Vague
From: Student #3
Subject: PLEASE READ
Hi this is Jane from your class. I am genuine concerned about passing this class or not. Please I will do anything to pass can you tell me what my grade will be. I know I have not turned in my assignments it is due to some stresses I am having and I will have to find the USB wher they are. Tell me if I will pass.
II. Greatest Student Paper Titles
Not a Blanc Noir at All
Women: Lesser Beings no More
The Truth Behind it All
In Todays’ Society and Culture
Prejudice: I am Tired of It!
III. Greatest Examples of Student Syntax and Logic
"This quote taken from the book shows another example of what I am talking about in the book."
"Interpreting a text is reading too much into it. No way would a author intend us that."
"On page 242 he even says so."
"In my opinion, as it seems to me, that is what is happening but that is just my opinion and I am not a expert."
IV. Greatest Student Comments in Class
"Well, I just didn’t like it because there was, like, no action. I mean, there was no guns or shoot-outs and that’s what the audience wants."
"Do you think he uses words again and again like that because he don’t have a good vocabulary?"
"I don’t like those long sentences. I don’t even know what he’s talking about."
"I don’t know about you guys, but I think that the character of Sam Fathers might be, like, a father-type figure to Ike. Like, you know?"
Thank god it is summer.
Wow. Yours are dumber than mine. Unbelievable. I’ve got a few I’ll have to share on my site…
Functional illiteracy at it’s best. Wow. Here’s the conundrum of it all - is it that the students are getting dumber, or are educators failing miserably at their task? Maybe it’s a combination of both. I don’t know. What I do know is that crap like that shouldn’t be happening at the university level. Sometimes flunking somebody is the biggest favour you can do them.
I see a catastrophic loss in independent and logical thought. I may be a mathematician, but at least I can write coherent and logical sentences. (Ok, my mom is an overly-strict English major, but still.)
But it’s not just literacy and writing, oh no. It’s basic math skills too. Once upon a time I announced a test for one of my physics classes and suggested that there could be graphs and equations etc… however, no calculators were going to be allowed. More than 3 (THREE!!) people asked me how they were supposed to produce graphs if no calculators were allowed. Despair I tell you, despair.
I mean, is it any wonder I became an embittered drunk and got tattooed?? I can’t believe what those illiterate ass-clowns turned me into!
Sorry about the diatribe there…
Middle: We didn’t do anything in French today!
Me: How could you ‘not do anything?’
Middle: Well, you know how you sit down at the beginning of class and talk with friends and listen to your iPod and stuff?
Me: _____blink
Middle: Well we did all that and she just never stopped us, for like, 40 minutes, and then the bell rang and we just left.
I figure, at this point, she is heavily medicated - we still have two weeks.
You know, I feel rather cheered by the British educational system now. I always thought that my lot were brain dead dysfunctional half-chimps. You live and learn.
The one who wrote about the guns and shoot outs is right though. Admit it.
Wow, those are tragically fantastic!
oh -
and –
he’s just come home!
they had to evacuate and shut down the whole school today as the seniors keep throwing smoke bombs and pulling the fire alarm.
it’s just anarchy here.
“Due to reasons.” That’s poetry.
We are having commencement activities all this week. It is no wonder students are so functionally illiterate…I’m watching their progenitors deal with various ceremonies and I’ve decided to do a doctoral thesis on the shrinking American attention span.
Tragic.
So you think educating the youth of America is difficult? Try teaching an elderly woman with glacoma how to operate her HDTV. Over the phone, no less. Where I come from there is no such thing as “summer.” You folks have it easy.
Sorry, just trying to put things in perspective…
O– ooh, go for it! I love reading about other people’s dumb students. Less stress involved.
AB– hey, don’t disparage drinking and tattoos! Where would we be without them? And I think the problem has to do with the much discussed “entitlement issues.” “But, but…I should get an A. I am [wait for it...wait for it...] an A student!” And of course the thing is, she can’t be an A student if she didn’t get an A. Sigh.
BB– Ha ha. The poor lady must be medicated. I wish I were!
KotH– Yeah, except there was an exceptionally gory murder, drugs, sex, etc. I really don’t know why he needed a shoot-out so badly!
P– I have to find the fantastic in them, elsewise I am be go crazy. Blaarggh.
BB– Yeah, at the high school near where I live there has been anarchy raging in the parking lot all day today. Is it a full moon or something, or just national High-Schoolers Go Nuts day?
A– Yeah, that email is a favorite. I love that they never use greetings and always feel the need to tell me “hi this is sally from your class.” I’m all, “DAMMIT SALLY I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.” I bet you are at an ideal vantage point to witness this insanity right now.
B– Oh, man, the elderly! Gah! I am trying to block out memories of my phone service jobs in the past. You know what they say: you can’t teach an old crone new tricks. At the bank my favorite were the old people who refused to do any transaction without a paper check. “Ohhh, no, honey, I don’t use the compyootor.” [Head bangs against desk.]
I have to relate this here because this topic is about education and students etc… and this kind of fits in with the theme. Kinda.
First of all, I haven’t been able to drink alcohol for about 6-7 months as a result of a medical problem.
So my supervisor introduces me to a famous colleague at a small departmental get-together this evening. Being academia, wine is on offer. As I was talking with somebody else the colleague asks my supervisor if I (being her Ph.D. student) would maybe like a drink.
I overhear her response (bless her heart):
“Oh no. He can’t. He has a problem with alcohol.”
Oh dear god. I didn’t know where to put myself.
Now these are just scary.
AB– Aw, damn, but that is harsh. I mean both your forced abstinence (I weep) and the conversation (I laugh).
OP– They are the future. Hide.
Yeah, it really stunk. I wanted to hide. My supervisor is extremely sweet (I mean that in the most platonic sense possible) and French. So she will use awkward sentence structures and/or vocabulary sometimes; the above being a textbook example. I mean, she meant well, but aw man, did she have to say “problem with alcohol”?
These are high-school students, right?
dateline: today
I get a call from the tech teacher to tell me, in a v serious tone of voice, that my 12 year old has been ‘calling out’ in class, and that this behavior is ‘disturbing.’
Four full class days until vacation.
(I’m so glad I have someone to whine about this to.)(all the while, assuming you care)
BoS– Sorry to say they are in college. Trewely shameful. In their defense, though, I have left out the vast majority of their somewhat-literate-verging-on-clever classmates. One person even used the word “determinism”* correctly in an essay. Shockingly.
*The first time I tried to type this I wrote “determinsism.” I should clearly not be in charge here.
BB– “Calling out” in class? I’m not even sure what that means…doesn’t sound like you are either, though. Sounds like teacher speak. We all understand “Summer Vacation,” though!
I like the oh-so-demanding “get back to me ASAP” emails. Guess what kids? I’ll get back to you when I’m goddamned good and ready. While I’m too young to be doing the “kids these days” lament, I’d have never, ever, even vaguely considered issuing an order to someone who was grading my shit. There’s some confusicated ideas abou the power dynamic, I daresay.
Like, OMG, I, like, so totally KNOW.
This is the biggest problem for me with these emails. The utter fucking impertinence. Damn.
at least it wasn’t “Prejudice: Wrote a Paper ‘Bout It! Like to Read It? Here It Goes!”
lol — what, vague, you’ve never flitted with the idea of faking the attachment not attaching when you couldnt finish a paper on time? or, even more convincing, intentionally submitted a corrupted file? you are a saint.
i’m surprised u dont get the intentionally-unattached attachment trick all the time. god knows every time i’m writing a paper last-minute, my mind is utterly CONSUMED with the temptation and no matter how hard i try i can’t put it out of my mind — it’s preoccupying, everpresent and utterly inexteripable at 5 am. which is why the very few times ive ever done it, i was entirely shocked if it worked and wondered why more ppl didnt try it too. but the flipside can kind of be a bitch - b/c youre automatically locked in to the necessity of acting self-righteous and indignant and uberoffended if the prof subsequently questions your honesty — which is kind of a major guilt trip and makes you even more paranoid than before re: whether the prof sees through the feigned indignation as well as the original lie — like, you’ll never really know how much of an asshole they think you are/arent. and then how are you supposed to act in front of them? if youre uberrespectful thereafter, it probably comes across as you having underestimated their intelligence or arrogantly having presumed their memory span is in goldfish-rivalling territory; probably the whole thing is more trouble than it’s worth, huh.
seriously tho - what’s up with no one being able to read/write/spell or do math at ALL anymore? it’s, like, so commonplace it’s not even a stigma. worst is those profs who are functional illiterates and don’t know/care. gah.
okay clearly my lucidity is impaired again and im’ sleep-typing. forgive me! back to dreams of intravenously-fed fetuses
gah now i’m being haunted by typos. im so american im not even coherent while making fun of the less-coherent. (@#*$)#
um, what was ‘not a blanc noir’ supposed to read/say/mean?