RE: INAPPROPRIATE USE OF THE TERMS “HEAT WAVE” AND “HUMIDITY.”
Citizens,
It has come to our attention that many of you have been blatantly flouting the proper use of the terms “heat wave” and “humidity” to describe our current weather. This obtuse and disruptive behavior simply must be stopped.
You can no longer continue to play fast and loose with your meteorological verbiage. Two days with temperatures in the mid-nineties F (36 C for those who prefer to go metric) do in no way constitute a heat wave.
Take off your ridiculous giant straw-brimmed hat, toss a cardigan or something over that tube top, and get a fucking grip on yourself. You are an adult. What are you going to do next, pry open a fire hydrant? Have a lemonade and stop freaking out.
And to those who prefer to complain about the so-called “humidity,” you need to cease and desist. If you have not lived through an entire summer of 100+ degree weather (40 C to my metric homies), weather so hot and so humid you can see water hanging in the air, obscuring your vision like the birth of Impressionism all over again, you’ve got nothing to say to me. Nothing. Get back to your popsicle and leave me alone.
After all, it’s of little importance: before you know it, we will be back to the 10 months of depressing grey and chill and rain, but I suppose you’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you? WOULDN’T YOU?
We at the desk of weather regulation feel, though, we should warn you: Should you continue in your current practice, you may, like the boy who cried wolf, one day find yourself in the Deep South in August without any words to suit. I wouldn’t recommend that–on such a day, words could be your only salvation. Stop wasting them on a perfectly gorgeous Summer day, you ungrateful asshats.
0 Responses to “memo from the desk of local weather regulation”