I know it’s probably been a while since you’ve heard from me. I should apologize for that–I’ve long been a fan of your work, ever since my first PB&J sometime around 1980. Even during the lean vegetarian years of 1994-1998, I still made an effort to procure your tasty tasty grilled cheeses and portobellos.
I have loved your work in all its forms, from your pitas, paninis, focaccias, and challas, to the elaborate layers of your clubs, to your simple, unpretentious turkey on wheat. Oh! Sandwiches, may I never grow weary of your infinite carbtacular varieties!
Unfortunately, my inspiration to write you today, sandwich makers, comes from a very different place. I have been hard at work all afternoon on a special project of my own. I am building a scale model of K2 out of coleslaw. It sits here on my desk beside me as I type. It’s quite impressive: it looks just like K2, it really does!
But the reason I write is (and you may suspect this already, you clever chefs!) my spectacular coleslaw masterpiece (my chef d’oeuvre, if you will) is made from coleslaw I removed from the chicken sandwich I ate for lunch! That’s right! My chargrilled chicken sandwich was approximately 70% coleslaw by volume.
As you are no doubt aware, this constitutes an egregious violation of the Shredded Lettuce and Cabbage Act of 1985, Coleslaw Subsection B. The ruling against shredded lettuce and cabbage products was clear, and all parties were in agreement. These substances provide neither nutritional nor gustatory benefit, and merely fuction to make the sandwich unbearably messy.
In the case of cabbage products, especially coleslaw, the ruling is very strict–cabbage is never to come into contact with any sandwich item whatsoever, especially not barbeque or barbeque related products. For this reason I felt obliged to inform your federation of this violation which took place today at approximately 12:45 pm at the sandwich hut on the corner outside my office building.
I am attaching the coleslaw K2 as evidence. I suggest you whittle a carrot model of Picabo Street and have her ski down the mountain. Once you have eked out all the enjoyment you can, please see to it that you discipline the sandwich hut guy as severely as possible within the bounds of Sandwich law, that I may ever remain
Your Loyal Fan,
Vague
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